Date: May 13, 2016
To: US Department of Justice (DOJ), US Department of Education (ED)
Re: "Dear Colleague" Letter of "Significant Guidance" for Transgenderism in Schools
Thank you for your timely provision of guidance for your dear school district colleagues agonizing over bathrooms used by people of a specific gender. I'm pleased to see that our federal government actually can respond quickly to instances of confusion and discord. One wishes such promptness could also be evidenced in the federal government's cooperation with investigations regarding Hillary Clinton's e-mails, for example. Yet perhaps this bathroom guidance represents sufficient magnanimity on your part so we can (continue to) overlook the grievous lapses in judgment and ethics that appear to have taken place during the former Secretary of State's tenure.
I take particular pleasure in knowing that you so eagerly safeguard the civil rights of an extremely minuscule percentage of America's schoolchildren, even to the detriment of most other schoolchildren, their teachers, and their parents. Indeed, civil rights are so important that protecting them for one cohort of individuals at the expense of the civil rights of others has become a hallmark of progressive liberalism. How gratifying it is to know that our government prioritizes theories in social re-engineering that represent the trajectory of civilization's future. After all, our children are our future, aren't they? Even if they can't determine the gender to which they identify (a skill that used to be a prerequisite before entering kindergarten, but which now can remain ambiguous on into college and beyond).
It's comforting to know that our government is willing to defy logic in this area and argue for a precedence in bathroom usage that manages to both twist racial equality into a brave new sexual context, and establish a robust new environment for the fertile exploitation of sexual privacy while humanoids traditionally classified as biologically female are simply trying to eliminate their bodily waste. Nobody can fault our dear colleagues in government for not being ambitious!
Perhaps only our super-smart government could make the leap between the protection of civil rights for everyone regardless of skin color and the protection of people who profess gender confusion. Ordinarily, skin color is no basis whatsoever for prejudice, but in our new lexicon of biased tolerance, gender confusion is a basis for privilege, since non-gender-confused people will still be expected to use the same old bathrooms they always have.
Maybe that's why our schools have been threatened not with overt legal retributions from you, but with a letter of guidance, just like North Korea's Dear Leader Kim Jong-un conducts among his subjects. How gracious of you, kind and masterful leaders, to advise your dear colleagues with such care, instead of lording your superior intelligence and gyrations of logic over us.
After all, you'll understand those of us who still can't draw the correlation between the evils of racism and the disallowing of biologically-equipped men from using the women's restroom. I'm aware that the social castration of the male species has become fairly advanced in our culture, but the elimination of the one male body part that seems to inflict the most apprehension and crimes against women has yet to become uniform across the United States. I'm sure you can see how, until all American men have that organ completely removed, many women will still be severely uncomfortable with allowing them to share the same bathroom - the one facility where disrobing in public is considered relatively normative behavior. Silly women who still value virtue in our modern era! But yet you force us to comply, and we thank you.
Speaking of normative behavior, I must also commend you for your eagerness to dispel any myths about the normative behaviors our society has so foolishly ascribed to the respective genders. For years, liberals among us have been trying to tell us that gender roles have nothing to do with emotions or even preferred hobbies. Now that we're learning from you about how emotions actually play a key role in whether we feel like a man or a woman, we risk returning to severe stereotypes that only a few decades ago dominated our society, but how brave of our government to so boldly throw caution to the wind. No longer will men and women be men and women because of their body parts! We can be free to choose - even on an hourly basis, if we so desire - based on our mood, or our affinity for sports or poetry or other subjective considerations.
Choice is indeed paramount. Even if we're forced to choose something that has already been decided for us in our biological makeup. And even if people who experiment with gender reassignment tend to have higher suicide rates than the general population. Any normal person
would suspect that higher suicide rate would stem from the individual's
profound confusion over what society is telling them about gender
identity, rather than anxiety over being denied the use of a particular
Leave it to our wise government to reason that allowing people to use the public bathroom of their emotional choice, rather than respecting silly metrics like biology and anatomy, may lower that suicide rate.
Indeed, all of this will come at the expense of actually taking personal responsibility for our individual identity. Following your beneficent guidance will force many of us to fit the gender other people think we should be, based on whether we do or don't like football or the opera. But that's a price the rest of us will have to pay, isn't it? How selfish of us to impose our desires and feelings on others.
And to think the use of a public bathroom would lead us to this state of forced bliss.
What would we do without our dear colleagues and your guidance?
Non-Thinking Non-Gender-Specific Humanoid