I'm so special.
I got a personal letter today from Mitt Romney. Yes! The Mitt Romney who's running for President! And he sent little ol' me a letter! It came with his name on the envelope and everything! And he addressed it to me using my full name, including my middle name, which I never use, so he must know me better than I thought he did, and consider me to be an important person.
True, the actual letter started with "Dear Friend," instead of "Dear Tim," but my goodness, the man has so many things to be doing right now, you can't expect him to remember my name from the outside of the envelope to the letter's salutation line. He says that his friends at the Republican National Committee are "working tirelessly to defeat President Barak Obama," so there you have it: little details like names and politeness get lost in so many other pressing duties.
He goes on to tell me of all the glorious things only Republicans can do for me and our country. He explains that only Republicans have a "commonsense" [sic] agenda, and that he needs the support of Republicans like me to get our country moving again.
He needs Republicans like me? Finally! How long have I been complaining that the Republican Party has been ignoring moderate conservatives like me? How many times have I ranted about the oppressive rhetoric Republicans allow from far-right-wing hawks that stifles our national dialog? I found Republican glee at defeating longtime moderate Indiana Senator Richard Lugar shameful. While I think Lugar should have been replaced because he was a career politician, his primary foes should not have attacked him because of his willingness to consider all sides of a debate before voting.
Here I was, thinking that politics without compromise is dictatorship, and that the ruthless scorn today's Republicans show anybody who thinks for themselves would horrify our Founding Fathers.
And then I get an invitation from none other than Mitt Romney saying he needs committed Republicans like me. I just feel warm and happy all over!
When I got to the part where he implies that he can't win without my generous $25, $50, or $1,000, I thought my heart would fail me. Here he is, one of the wealthiest men ever to run for President, and apparently he's spent all of his many millions out of his own pocket for his chance at the White House! Granted, I'm not sure where all of that money of his has gone, since I thought he was worth $230 million, but I'm sure that since it's his campaign, he's made sure it was spent wisely. Plus, he's a Mormon, and they don't believe in wasting money. Frankly, they don't believe much of anything that true Christians believe, but if we can both agree that wasting money is evil, then he can't be all that bad of a person, can he?
After he asks me for my money, since he must have spent all of his, Mitt (I think I can call him "Mitt" now, since he's asked me for money, right?) goes on for three more full pages in his letter to me. I won't tell you everything he tells me - after all, it is a personal letter - but I can say that he's heard about my "long and proud history of supporting Republican candidates and causes." Now, I'm blushing! Aww, which one of you has been talking to him about me behind my back?!
I didn't know Mitt appreciated my objective perspective of how the Republicans could do things so much more Biblically and ethically. He must be reading my blog!
Mitt even enclosed a colorful "Pledge of Support to Restore America's Promise." In explaining this pledge, he warns me that President Obama does not support freedom and opportunity for all, which I have to admit, came as a surprise to me. I'm glad Mitt doesn't exaggerate. I'm so grateful that somebody who shares my desire for objectivity and disdain for hollow rhetoric wants my vote, and my money!
It's too bad that I'm only allowed to contribute $30,800. That doesn't seem like much money at all. Mitt says I'm supposed to send my check to the Republican National Committee, but perhaps I should just keep it and give it to him when when he comes over for dinner sometime.
After all, since he obviously thinks so highly of me, this letter of his could be the start of a great friendship!
Yes, Mitt seems a little needy, but I'm sure I can trust him. What kind of friend would send a letter asking five times for money from somebody like me if they didn't really need it?
He'd have to be a rascal of a 230-million-dollar-capitalist to expect other people to pay his way into the presidency.