| My crystal Swarovski "Volcano Pyramid" prism with a damaged edge (the puffy-looking shape in the middle - a significant imperfection) |
Last October, I posted about my decision to stop taking my antidepressant prescription medications.
Several months later, I'm checking back with an update to that post. I don't want to be melodramatic, but I also don't want to minimize the struggles of going without antidepressants.
The summary version is that I'm not doing as well emotionally as I was when I was still taking my full antidepressant dosages. The only two benefits I can see are that, one; I haven't yet returned to any of my antidepressants since last fall. And two, I've lost more weight, and appear to have plateaued in terms of my weight loss.
So, I've lost emotional ground, but I've also lost some physical baggage, meaning my slimmer appearance hides what's going on inside. I'm also finding that as I lose weight, I'm getting more wrinkled, which is making me look older! I used to enjoy looking considerably younger than my years, but now, it seems the inverse is happening. So in terms of aesthetics, my weight loss has become a net neutral.
Anyway, the bigger story is inwardly, since I'm struggling more with my depression now than I have in decades.
Turns out, in terms of masking my depression and helping me be more productive as a human being, those antidepressants probably were far more effective than I thought they were. The longer I go without them, the less competent I am at adjusting to negative things and surprises. And whereas I used to suspect my antidepressants of sabotaging my joy and peace, I now realize that without antidepressants, I have even less of either joy or peace. I used to scoff at the notion of emotions governing so much of my behavior, but now, I lament how so much of my logic, industriousness, and discipline gets eroded by emotionalism.
I've tried to modify my behavior to accommodate my deteriorating emotions. My biggest change: I've stopped most of my news consumption. American politics, Christian nationalism, the Israel - Hamas war, all sorts of racism, and hatred in general have taxed me emotionally. Suddenly, I find I simply can't absorb it all. My fearfulness factor is sky-high.
While I used to regularly and verbosely blog here about news items and current events, I no longer can stomach even the most cursory glance at the headlines. I have an acquaintance who is a professional journalist, and he confirmed that disconnecting from the news is a prudent move for me, at least for now.
As a person who used to seek out the news, especially looking for stories about which I could blog, that has been the biggest change for me. A dear friend of mine in Dallas used to tease me about "doom-scrolling", since he's long said the news media revels too much in life's horrors and tragedies. Now I realize how even trolling basic headlines has become a form of "doom-scrolling", since the Internet appears to have forced the journalism industry into competing for the most salacious stories. News outlets survive today by trying to generate views and click-throughs, because those are how they calculate online advertising rates.
I reported back in October that I seem to always be on the verge of crying, and that has only become a more pronounced sensation. Loud and sudden noises also distress me more than ever, while crowds of people - no matter who they are - intimidate me.
Apparently my antidepressants were my go-to coping tools. Some things did upset me, but not to the degree they do now. It has been discouraging for me, as supposedly a "person of faith", to realize that after all these years, I apparently don't trust in the God I've claimed to embrace. After all, if I did, would I be so incessantly anxious, even as a chronically clinically depressed person?
Realizing how desperate I was becoming, I reached out to the senior pastor of the Dallas church in whose choir I used to sing, and we've met a few times for some counseling sessions. Even though our church numbers about six thousand members, we've known each other for quite a while, and I'm grateful he makes time for me. He's not a therapist, but as a theologian, I'm asking him questions about faith that he's answering with candor and grace.
It's too early to know how much of a help he's been, but even knowing he's willing to try is itself helpful. I'm not paying him, he knows I'm neither wealthy nor influential, and he's not anti-antidepressants. He attended my father's memorial service so he knows all about my concerns regarding dementia. Nevertheless, he warned me I might still have to go back on antidepressants depending on how things evolve.
So obviously, I have no cheerful update here. No philosophical or theological insights. No profound one-liners. This is simply a status update of where I am at this moment, approximately six months after stopping my antidepressants. People ask me if losing all this weight (85 pounds total since the start of Covid) makes me feel more energetic, but no, I feel even more lethargic than ever. You see, I haven't lost weight in a healthy way - it's all been through stress.
There have been a few days where I almost caved and started taking those "happy pills" again, but - for better or worse - the ominous specter of dementia has proven stronger.
Even with my problems, there are other people who are living with griefs and pains far worse than mine. My pastor calls these "bitter providences" of God, Who, although He is good, certainly allows plenty of bad things to happen to His followers - even through no fault of their own.
Saying "things could be worse" may not necessarily be a healthy response to anyone's crisis, but it can be helpful to keep some of these considerations in perspective.
So for now, I'm staying the course, away from antidepressants. I'm finding that this is not the easier path, but perhaps its benefits will come in the long run.
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